


Letters from the heart

by Ilyasviel



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: After Horizon, Angst, F/M, Letter, doubts, pseudo happy ending xD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-26
Updated: 2017-12-26
Packaged: 2019-02-20 15:25:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,672
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13149495
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ilyasviel/pseuds/Ilyasviel
Summary: After Horizon, Kaidan needed some time for himself. To think and review his feelings after seeing Shepard again. This is the tale about his doubts and regrets, the struggles of his heart to write the letter that can change forever their relationship.





	Letters from the heart

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Nord_Ronnoc](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nord_Ronnoc/gifts).



> My secret santa exchange for the MEFFW for the lovely Nord_Ronnoc!!! Hope you like it! It has been hard writing Angst on Xmas XD but I hope I got the feelings right <3

White snow. Howling wolves in the distance with the wind doing the chorus of Nature's song. Darkness is falling over the lake, covering the landscape around the lonely cabin, the timid ray of light escaping from the window looking like a beacon in the middle of the night. Kaidan sits on the porch, nursing an already cold coffee. He has been running away from everything and everyone since Horizon. How has his world crumbled so completely in a single conversation? With a sigh, he stands, throwing the coffee over the railway of the porch and returning inside. Sitting in front of the hearth, he bends his legs, leaning the chin on the knees and closing his eyes. He can't even remember how long has he been there. Since his conversation with Anderson after the mission, his life has been passing by like it was part of a movie. Nothing sank into his brain. No one can pull him from his stupor. His parents have sent him here with the idea of giving him the space he seems to need to heal, but it hasn't worked so far. He has too much free time, too many silence around him, to dwell on it. Jane is alive. She has changed, that's true, but he recognised her the same moment they hug on Horizon. But Cerberus... She is now part of the organisation they have fought side by side many times during their Normandy days. She isn't just part of it. They have rebuilt her, to an extent no one knows yet. But whatever he feels, whatever he thinks about her returns, he is sure as the sky is blue that he has hurt her slipping through from her arms. The doubt and inner turmoil about resurfacing feelings he has thought buried long ago were the reasons he has run away from everything, but is the shame his work brings him what keeps him swelling alone in the darkness, in the middle of Canada. 

 

Standing from his spot in front of the heart, he stretches his neck while walking to the bedroom. He has a datapad with a half-written letter for her, something to say I'm sorry without really saying it. Something safe who can be read for the people of the Alliance he is sure is monitoring them, and even for the Cerberus people that surely is spying on her every movement. But doubts and harsh feelings have made him write thousands of versions of it, writing and deleting it every few sentences. He has passed hours sitting on the bed, with the datapad in his hands, remembering his days with her. How much they have meant to him. How much he has changed during that time, and worse, how much he has really changed after her death. The long nights crying. The feeling of being dead inside, seeing how the rest of the world kept rolling and wanting to jump from it and disappear into the darkness of the space. But Anderson and his parents had fought hard to push him from that dark place, with some kick in the ass from the Ambassador, until he surfaced and breathed again, six months after her death. The missions they gave him those days were easier, just designed to force him to interact with people, to leave his ostracism and return to his old self. A year after and he began to feel again. Not love, or pure joy, but he started to enjoy his work again, to laugh with his teammates, to call more home and smile listening to his mother banter. Damn, his friends had forced him to stop mourning and try to go on dates again. And he did... to no avail. He compares every woman he finds with Jane. He keeps turning his head every time he crossed paths with a redhead when he heard a deep and strong voice. Maybe that's the reason he started dating men again. It is easier to not compare them to her that way. 

 

"Damn. I can face a Krogan berserker, but I can't write this damn letter? Man up and face your consequences..." Passing a hand over his face, he creates a nest of pillows near the headboard of the bed and sits back, crossing his legs and leaning the pad on his knees. "Come on. I can do it." With trembling fingers, he begins to write the letter.

 

_ 'Shepard, _

 

_ I'm sorry for what I said back on Horizon.' _

 

With a sigh, Kaidan shakes his head, "Marvelous way to begin the letter... but better if she has the correct idea of the reason I wrote, right?" Talking to himself has turned into a habit the last days, as worrying as it is, but he can't fight it. Sometimes one needs to hear some words aloud to let them sink. He spends the next minutes looking blankly at the pad, deciding if he will allow his heart to talk or let the dog tags determine their discourse. A look at his shaking hands decides for him.

 

_ 'I spent two years pulling myself back together after you went down with the Normandy. It took me a long time to get over my guilt for surviving and move on.' _

 

"Not bad, Kaidan, you are not trying to make her feel sorry for you. Get your bearings." Looking around the room to clean his mind, he fixes his gaze in a photo of his unit, in one of their shore leaves at the Citadel. Oscar is there in a side, and he decides to explain that to her too.

 

_ 'I'd finally let my friends talk me into going out for drinks with a doctor on the Citadel. Nothing serious, but trying to let myself have a life again, you know?' _

 

Thinking of Oscar always brings a bittersweet feeling to his heart. He was more himself with him than what he has been in the last year, but he still finds himself unable to fall in love with him, as much as he tried. A little corner of his heart knows that he still is deeply in love with Jane, but his brain tried very hard to erase the idea from his mind, searching again and again for reasons to keep Oscar at bay. And it worked... they keep trying it, going out every time Kaidan visits the Citadel, but nothing serious has born from it. They are more than fuck friends, but not a couple. And it pains Kaidan very profoundly because he is keeping Oscar from finding a perfect man for him. His eyes return to his shaking hands, seeing there the scar he got in Alcheera. Not from the attack, or the emergency landing of the savepod, but against the hull of the one Shepard must be using and instead just carried a sullen Joker. With a sigh, he keeps going, letting his damaged heart talk for him.

 

_ "'hen I saw you, and everything pulled hard to port. You were standing in front of me, but you were with Cerberus. I guess I really don't know who either of us is anymore.' _

 

"Smooth, Kaidan. Very smooth." 

 

_ 'Do you even remember that night before Ilos? That night meant everything to me... maybe it meant as much to you. But a lot has changed in the last two years, and I can't just put that aside.' _

 

A sad chuckle escapes him, making him lean back his head until it hits the headboard. "It still means everything to me, Jane. But I can't truly ignore what you turned on. I can't even be sure of you, or myself anymore..." 

 

_ 'But please be careful. I've watched too many people close to me die -- on Eden Prime, on Virmire, on Horizon, on the Normandy. I couldn't bear it if I lost you again. If you're still the woman I remember I know you'll find a way to stop these Collector attacks. But Cerberus is too dangerous to be trusted. Watch yourself.' _

 

Flashbacks of her empty casket showed in his mind. About his desperate days with Anderson's team searching around Alcheera for her body, to no avail. His panic attacks on the long nights after they declared her officially killed in action. "I can't survive a second time. Even if she isn't the Jane I knew, I can't live through another death." 

 

Reading the letter, he is almost happy with it, but his heart knows clearly that something is amiss. He can't send it an 'I still love you', they can't fight their own wars with that knowledge over the table, but he can't keep in silence about it...

 

"When things settle down a little... maybe... I don't know. Just take care." He whispers the words, fingers touching the scar that reminds him of her every single day.

 

_ "Please, take care, Jane. Come back to me. Prove to me how wrong I doubted you. _ "

 

A second reading of the letter and, for once, he is happy with it. Signing it, he sends it to the address Anderson has given him on his visit to the Citadel. Standing from the bed, he throws the pad over the bed, knowing that she probably won’t answer him. She has never liked sending emails, much less about something this personal. But his brain needed to write it. That simple act has pulled away for a bit the heavy weight over his shoulders. Is not the smoothest move of his life, but he already feels his heart lighter, the darkness of the night less oppressive. Moving around the room, he begins to gather up his scarce belongings. His job here is done. He has let this pain pull him down time enough. A new mission is waiting for him on Earth. One specially designed for him, one that can bring, at last, the recognition the biotics need in the Alliance. Opening his omnitool, he pushes the quick dialling, smiling brightly when the face of his mom appears on the screen, "Hello, maman. I'm coming home at last."

 

**Author's Note:**

> NOTE: Maman is mother in French ;) in my mind Kaidan talks French.


End file.
